My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.