My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING