My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy