My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
rapatouille
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.