my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit