My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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Bless you
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.