my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what