My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.