[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.