My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?