Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
-liveTweeting from the DogHouse