My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?


Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.


I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.


Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.


“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)


It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.


Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse