My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.