My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.