My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.