My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”