My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
You Might Also Like
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs