My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life