My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
another case of gang violins
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times