@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@PajamaStew

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

@bingowings14

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich