My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
water it, i dare you
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
One venti cheeseburger please.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
emergency phone
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K