My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Not recommended for beginners.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die