My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
A wise man once said nothing.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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when revenge coincides with naptime
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.