My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”