My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga