My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m not lazy
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan