My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
fly smarter, not harder
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.