[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
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The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Free him
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
channeling her this year
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.