@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

@TwiceTheHops

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@stephenjmolloy

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”