@XennDad

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

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@nPhelendriqal

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

@brandynmacd

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

@Paige__xxx

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

@Judey_moody

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

@StuForReal

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

@psybermonkey

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”