My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*cough*
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!