My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
In Canada they just call them geese
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa