My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
<- sleeps well with others
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
This probably isn’t good
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.