My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

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Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.


If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.


“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife


Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.


My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.


Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.


I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.



CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]


One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.