My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.