my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.