My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out