My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks