My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.