My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman