My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!


ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush


I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.


cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today


Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.


Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.


Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first


For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.


Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids