My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.