@slimmy_shady

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

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@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@Tmoney68

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@SonOfCha

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

@milifeasdad

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

@LostFelicia

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

@JosesLovesYou

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

@ToriTheMom

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids