My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Spring cleaning checklist…