My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Livid.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Happy thanksgiving!
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.