My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Oops I deleted….
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”