My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I did not eat the cake…
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.