@FatherWithTwins

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

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@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

@TattleTSister

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

@JakeSocial

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

@PinkCamoTO

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

@donutscoffeeme

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

@JasonLastname

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”