My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh