My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine