My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.