My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no