My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.