My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me My dog
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*