My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
? 💀
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”