@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

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@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@hythemafia

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@partlyfunny

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

@LeahTiscione

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry