@NickSwardson You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
@CallousBalzac My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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@NickSwardson 
@BoneChocolates “Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
@RichHarris2 Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
@hythemafia *Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
@FatherWithTwins Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
@partlyfunny I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
@BlindChow [last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
@Playing_Dad Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
@PaulyPeligroso They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
@LeahTiscione I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry